There is a hause, up in the hill.
İt has cracked blue walls which lose their color at some parts. Pink window shutters making it impossible to miss. Spider webs coating the corners tell how old it is. İts the only abandoned hause in my neighborhood, however, its loneliness isnt what makes it special. No, what makes this old hause so important is its windows. “Shall the shutters be opened the future for those stuck in the past” they say.
This, of course, is just a childs tale. I personally, am not the type to believe such foolish lies. How could a simple window open to the future of the one looking through? The answer is that it simply cant. İt shouldnt be able to do so. And yet, here I am, walking up the slope. Im out of breath already, which is pretty weird considering I have only been walking for five minutes. I must be out of shape. When was the last time I left my apartment again? I huff, annoyed with myself. With not just that I let my body deteriorate but that I have fallen so low that I have to believe in such lies. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess. I am, in fact pretty desperate at the moment.
Desperate to see my future. No, scratch that, I have to know that I still have a future. I bite my lips. When did I forget what my future looked like? How could I? Where did my aims and motivations go? There was a reason I got out of my cozy bed every morning at some point. There must have been. The window of this hause will provide a good reminder of it, hopefully.
I start walking faster when I see a glimpse of said hause’s walls. Still internally scolding myself for many things. Altough I keep telling myself that I will only be disappointed when the tale turns out to be a lie , I am so afraid that I wont see anything at all.
Finally, finally I reach the red, slightly crooked door of the hause. This isnt my stop tough so I keep moving. With each step less steady than the last I reach the pink window shutters.
I take a deep breath. Then I take another one. And then I take another one. I can feel my hear beating outside of my chest. “This is it” I think “Im going to faint here,right now.” My hand trembling I reach out to the shutters. With a swift move, I open them.
Everything stops for a moment. And then I realise Ive shutted my eyes and open them.
I see my own eyes staring back at me. I look horrible. My bloodshot eyes, the messy ,dirty hair (When was the last time I took a shower?) The baggy clothes (They fitted me perfectly, once. Back when I was still eating healthily.)that my sickly body seems to swim in. I look as if I could fall at any moment. There isnt anyone besides me, I am all alone. So alone.
This..Whatever this is…İs supposed to be my future?
My blood runs cold at the realizement. No. No,no,no. This cant be it. I fall to my knees and my future self perfectly replicates my movemens. My throat is tyed in knots, I cant get a single sound out. I cant even cry. I was given this horrible future and yet I cant even cry for it. “Did I deserve this?” I wonder.
“ No I didnt” I mumble to myself.İt wasnt my fault my luck turned its back on me.
I have always been a perfectionist (obsessive) but you cant blame me for wanting the best for myself. İf I kept pushing myself (too far) it was for my happiness. I know myself very well; my weaknesses and strong points. I like to focus (berate myself) on the former part.Its not a bad thing that I want to fix the weak links. Its not like I was hating myself for past mistakes every second. Like that one time in 3rd grade where I had a 67 on my history test, I always reacted normally (me, not eating anything for hours, reading my history notes over and over again. I can not sleep, or eat unless I deserve it.)Im a human being so I make mistakes sometimes (if I was good enough it would be never). I dont lay in my bed,late at night, staring at my ceiling, trying to make a list of every mistake I’ve ever made either. I also dont try to constantly make up for them (except I do, always).
“So, no I didnt do this to myself” I say, louder now as if I could convince myself. I fail at that too. I sigh. “I did, didnt I?” I replaced my reasons of living with trying to be perfect because I was so afraid of not being good enough. And then I gave up completely when I realised I was bound to fail at some moments. I went too far and this is the consquences of it. I wanted the perfect future but now I have nothing. I was so focused on my past mistakes that I forgot I had a future.
I struggle to breathe as I look at my future self. This is my and my fault only. I keep staring. Minutes pass. Just when I was about to give up completely, tough an idea strucks me.Still staring at my future version, I try to smile.
I gasp when the reflection smiles back at me. Hope fills my chest and makes its way to my mouth, escaping in small giggles. This proves it. This isnt the end yet.The future always changeable. I can fix this mess.
With that line of tought I gather my lost courage. I stand up on my feet. The future has a dedictated look nowjust like me because Im going to fix this. I manage to give a small smile to my future self to show it. İt smiles back at me. İt knows. I really hope my neighbors dont think Im crazy, tough. İt must’ve been weird to see me have a breakdown upon seeing my own reflection in an old window. They dont know anything. They dont know that the present feels like the future to me who is stuck in the past, and the future means everything.