Darkness, just darkness. I felt the voice of nothingness surrounding my body, covering my throat minute by minute. I was alone, standing in the dark, just staring at the creepy large forest with empty eyes. Feeling the cold, harsh wind on my cheek was never something I’d thought to live. I could not explain the surreal emotions these moments were giving me. I didn’t belong here, did I, but at the same time I felt like this is all I’ve been looking for in my whole life.
Well, if I was assigned to gather some firewood they think it will keep us ‘warm’, might as well do it for myself before I freeze to death; I thought, while trying to make my ugly long legs useful by at least walking. How could someone even define ‘warm’? Is it really just a term that people use when they get in a place that is hot while they were in somewhere cold? No, no, not possible. Warm is a feeling, the feeling when you get when you know the time is your time. It has nothing to do with these useless firewood I’m keeping in my cold hands right now.
Do I even need it, I said to myself without even realizing, I would always freeze to death with or without a fire, so why even bother? It would’ve been much better if I’d just stand here, waiting for the lovely death to get close to me, hugging me tightly. It was quite funny that I’ve told myself these while the fire was already flaming. I brought my face closer to the fire, alive and colorful. Oh what would I give to be like that fire only for one day.
“You will be like that, my child,” some mesmerizing voice suddenly whispered, right into my ear. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t anymore, there was no surprises to me. “No,” said my dry lips, in a low tone. “I’ll live a quiet life, I will go, I will die and that’ll be all. I’m not somewhat extraordinary, I’m a soul, who is just living the days hopeless.”
The fire went out in a second, after I threw out the disgusting words that were inside me for a long time. The spark in the bright, lovely light fell into pieces in seconds, it wasn’t too unbelievable if you’d lived the same thing in the past. “You don’t need it,” said the kind old voice. “Enjoy.” It was weird to understand what she meant.
I sat by the grass, just as faded as me. The wind was getting harsher and harsher by every minute, I would’ve believed it was gaslighting me if it was a human. “Or maybe it is, who in the earth knows,” said my lips, I wasn’t controlling it.
“Who knows,” I mumbled, it was like I answered something that was part of my face. Ironic. I laid down, looking at the deep blue sky. The wind was so tough that it could rip my skin of. But I didn’t care. The only thing I cared about was the feeling.
Warm.
