I slowly slid out of bed as I waited for my thoughts to fill my brain in seconds. The control of this day was in my hand, it can be good or bad. In this case, the first thoughts of the day are always important, so what were my first thoughts here?
I took my bath, changed, opened the curtains to let the sunlight in, opened my window, and let the cool air fill the room. However, this breezy weather was not enough for me to be fully awake, so I let the first sip of my coffee start the day. I watched the sunrise, and it can be said that I felt the awakening of people. People get up, take a walk, walk their dogs or sip their tea. I am a writer, a literary man. You can imagine me the way you wish me to be. Whether I can be blonde long hair or auburn short hair. It’s up to you, up to your imagination.
I lit my candles and turned on my music before I sat on my seat, I personally like to listen to classical music, let’s say it’s a habit from my childhood. I sat in silence as the Valse de l’adieu reverberated in my ears. I focused on one corner of the room and just stand still. I don’t know how many songs have changed, but when my consciousness came back. I understood that the song that was spinning in my mind was one of Wolfgang’s works, but the part I couldn’t understand was how the day turned into the night all of a sudden. I was just very tired and needed some rest. I was going to get up early tomorrow, I got up to wash my face and closed my eyes against the night, hoping to have an even better day when I opened them again.
I was deciding how this day would go, whether it would be good or bad. I had no desire to get out of bed, but I needed a bath. I got up softly as if this moving body was out of my control. I didn’t feel comfortable in this pattern, every part of me was an insult to me, and my every breath was a poison that would slowly kill me. I hate bathrooms, I need to see my body, those wrinkles, and sagging flesh, enough to get my thoughts going. It was as if my thoughts were there to kill me. An orchestra was spinning in my mind, sometimes dancing softly, sometimes screaming.
I opened my window, careful not to look at the deep cuts on my wrists, some of them are old some of them still have the possibility of bleeding. As I shivered from the cold air, I felt as if, for a moment, I was the one who was there in that situation. Isn’t it funny how a little breeze makes you feel alive, even for a second, that you’re breathing, that you’re in that life, and that you’re in control? I do not take my bath with hot water anyway, I prefer cold water on purpose, so maybe if I increase my bathing, perhaps I will feel more alive? While waiting for my coffee, my mind is stagnant, and Virginio Aiello’s Van Gogh is playing in my mind.
I hate to take extra care when trying to hold my coffee. My hand trembles a lot and it’s not going to help me with the scratches on my hand. There was garbage everywhere, and my house was making me sick to my stomach, but I stopped cleaning long ago and I don’t care that much anymore. I used to love to light candles, watching the dance of flames, and now I couldn’t know whether to light the candle or burn myself. I pushed everything aside and settled into my seat and just stood there. My body wouldn’t allow more, the drugs wouldn’t allow any more.
I was judging myself while remembering these lyrics of Winterreise, D.911, Erste Abteilung: Wasserflut
“Many a tear has fallen
from my eyes into the snow;
its cold flakes eagerly suck in
my burning grief.”
from where I was sitting; How lazy I was, I said to myself, yet I had no inclination to stand up. No matter how much I judged myself, I wouldn’t do anything to change it. Let me judge my weight, I will not start sports, to be honest, I have not been eating lately, and I have no idea where this swelling came from.
I was tired of everything. My hair, my face, my house, the sun, my armchair, my old lamp, my almost new desk. Everything was useless like me. I had all kinds of prescriptions so that he could control my thoughts, but I’ve never liked drugs, and I don’t take them unless they’re on my mind. It was night and I was still in the same place, standing next to me with my cold coffee.
I knew I had to eat, but I had no desire for it, so I didn’t get up, didn’t move in any way, and once again let my thoughts kill me day after day. When I heard the sirens I realized what was really going I actually tried to burn something but not the candles I was talking about…
These two people may be getting up in the same place, in the same way. It may not even be two different people we’re talking about here. It depends on which lie you want to believe in. You say I’m happy when you say you’re sad, and you say I’m miserable when you have a chance to be happy. Life is like a masterpiece, it begins somewhere, has different feelings by different human beings, and ends somewhere. You choose which work it is. You can dance, waltz, or cry to the moonlight all while this masterpiece is playing. You choose your days to pass as happy or sad