Yesterday I went to my neurologist and he told me that I will probably lose my memory sooner or later because I am 89 years old, you may think how come this old lady can get up from her bed and go to her neurologist? Well, I have my own secrets. I take my vitamins everday since I was 13. I say vitamins are the key, but looks like my time has come. I called my daugther and told her that when I die, I won’t be remembering her name, and then I burst into tears. The next week she moved into my apartment to be with me and she made some research to find me a therapist who can do a little bit better to at least keep me more agile.
This therapist, however was something of a God’s touch. In the first session, she told us to close our eyes and think of a memory that we will never forget, I closed my eyes and my babyhood came right into my eyes. The bright light into the sheets came into the sight, I suddenly remembered the first time touching the sunlight, the first time seeing the green of trees, breathing fresh air, feeling first time as a human and last time as a human. Going to school, failing at school, crying at school, being succesful at school, failing at freeindships, having friendships, always feeling low, always feeling energetic, feeling insufficient, feeling like the queen of the world, and the last of all the memories, at least everday remembering that one day I’ll die and everything will be nothing. Everyday… I remembered the first time I started my job, it was a low salary deed but I had no choice but to make money. Then everything went better, I got one of the best positions in our job place. The most days, at least from what I remember, was going back and front. The way I wake up, went to sleep, did everyday was similar. I missed my teenage years, when life took me to where I should go, but now life was feeling like not changing. I couldn’t took it from where it was to another place. Seemed like the change itself wasnt’t the one that didin’t only change. İt felt like my life was the derivative of a linear function, until I had my daughter.
My daughter was everyhing to me. I tried make her someone special for some reason that I felt myself so ordinary. She graduated school and had a job. My therapist told me to say one memory out of those that I would like to forever remember. Well, this was hard, as I believed that all of the memories I had was already embrodiered inside my skin. I was what those had created. All I wanted to remember was the feeling of first time being alive so that I could reborn everday like yesterday didn’t happen and perhaps, create every memory again.