17.09.xxxx
Today I just sat in my couch and sipped my drink. I numbed my brain with the noisy noises coming from the TV and prayed to get through the day. I’ve been sleeping on the couch for days because I’m too lazy to go to bed. My back hurts a little, but who cares…
My mom called today. She told her problems and hung up the phone. She’s just her usual self. I have to put up with it.
I almost forgot. A family recently moved into the opposite building. They have three children. But they look a little too young to have three children. And I’ve seen very few families who are married and happy. They seemed a little interesting, and without realizing it, I started watching their life like a TV show. I didn’t question it much at first, but I haven’t been able to stop myself from watching them for two days. Since the curtains haven’t been put up yet, the inside of the house looks like it is, and I don’t have a better job to do.
Maybe it’s a little weird, but it’s not my fault. Why would it be my fault. They are the ones who don’t have curtains. Don’t blame yourself for it.
20.09.xxxx
When I woke up today, I found myself lying on the floor. My socks were two meters away. I think I’ll be sick tomorrow because I’m too lazy to pick them up. But now that I think about it and being sick is even more exhausting. So that’s why I finally got up from my couch to do something for the first time in a week other than going to the toilet. I think this can be called a success. But it wasn’t very happy to see the eaten chocolate packages everywhere. That demoralised me a little.
I turned back to my couch, lost in my thoughts. I had already forgotten about the socks. I thought, “If I had a good family like the one in the opposite building, if I had cheerful people around me, would I still be like this?” Their life was so perfect in my eyes. There were people they liked, people respected them for being good at their jobs. Every day, without any exception, they were doing their jobs and having a good time with their children. Unlike me…
I don’t even expect anything from myself anymore. I have no job, no family to love. I’m not like them, and I’m not trying to be one either. Because that’s how it works for me. It’s easier to stay where I am than to try to move forward for my own good. Thats what kills me.
24.09.xxxx
A strange thing happened today. It was evening time when I woke up. And it was raining. When I got up to go to the toilet, I saw a paper thrown under my door to my house. It was a document. It was a divorce petition. I read the names under it. “Plaintiff xxxx, address: xxxxx, defendant xxxxx,” it continued. This address seemed familiar. The street were same as mine. And the names sounded familiar from somewhere. That’s when it hit me in the head. This was the divorce petition of the family in the opposite building. But why was it sent to me. And why should a family as perfect as theirs get divorced. I failed at my job and quit being a lawyer years ago. How could they have known me.
While my thoughts were chasing each other, the lights of the family in the opposite building turned on. When I looked out of the window, the whole family was sitting around the table eating and talking. Suddenly I felt something strange. Someone was not having fun at all. As I was looking at him, suddenly our eyes met. That was the father. I looked at the paper in one hand and then at the man. Then he turned his head.
I wasn’t getting my head around it. How could such a thing have happened. What had gone wrong. At that time, my brain began to comprehend the events. Whenever I saw the woman and the man, they weren’t talking to each other and were just taking care of their children and playing with them. Not once have I seen them laughing or interested in each other.
No one was what they seemed. No one was perfect. They were just very good at projecting it out like that. They were trying. I collapsed on the floor and that night I just let my tears flow.
25.09.xxxx
When I woke up today, I was sitting in front of the door where I was yesterday. There was another paper thrown under the door. I opened the paper carefully. “I live in the building across from you. I’ve been watching you since we moved in. Yes, I know it was wrong, but our lives looked very different, and I couldn’t help wondering. And also you had your curtains open. I don’t feel guilty because I know you’re watching us too. I’ve been doing a lot of research on you. I went to your building and even found out your name. While I was watching you, I discovered some things about myself. I am very young, taking responsibility is becoming more and more a burden on my shoulders. I can’t even talk to my wife. I think she hates me. I don’t want to run away. But I’m collapsing day by day. Please listen to this call for help.”
After reading the paper, I stood up and tore out a page of a crumpled notebook. I took a pen in my hand and started writing. I was really impressed by what the guy wrote. From then on, I decided to change. I was just going to look at my own life and not compare myself to other people. I was going to get back to my job and not give up at the slightest obstacle. One by one I wrote them on that crumpled piece of paper with trembling hands. And I stuck the paper in the mailbox, praying that it would reach the guy in the building opposite. It was the beginning of a new life. It was time to force open the closed doors.